A new law that went into effect in Kenya this week makes it legal for a man to marry as many women as he wants. Unless of great importance or a family-related event, we rarely attended the same social event together with our husband.. The Review of Economic Studies. But by then, no one can picture you without that first friend. I wouldn't go through the same experience again," he says. Christianity condemns polygamy as an offence against the dignity of marriage, insisting that conjugal love between a man and wife must be mutual and unreserved, undivided and exclusive. Being a parent is hard enough; in reality, being a stepparent is out of this world hard. Tabi MM, Doster C, Cheney T. A qualitative study of women in polygynous marriages. In Muslim families the textual basis is provided by the Holy Quran for the practice of polygamy: "Marry women of your choice two, or three, or four, but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them) then only one". Women also support their men for polygamy if they are facing infertility to secure their marriage instead of divorce [4]. Data collection from the participants may have been affected by differences in age, years, and rank in marriage, educational level, and religious faiths. And another wife Mrs. Kamal reported," in the beginning when I thought about the second wife I engaged myself in different activities because it always hurts me." One female Mrs. Abdullah was feeding a new born baby she was 3rd wife of her husband. 2006; 52(1): 5-17. 2014; 5(27): 1058-1058. Mrs. Gulzar who was 36 years first wife told as she came to know her husband has a hidden marriage with Miss Nasreen. This practice of taking on another wife while still married to the first one is called polygamy, not to be confused with origami - which is the art of folding colored papers. Polygamy is often based on traditional cultural practices or religious beliefs. 2006; 35(1), 46-61. But in Pakistan and Iran, only consent is required from the first wife and need to show it in the court as proof for the second wife. Only 11 of the 26 women agreed to participate in the study. Many qualitative and quantitative studies have been conducted to evaluate the challenges and issues facing polygamous women on an international level. Their mean age was 33.83 ranging from 18-50 years. She tried her best to convince her husband not to get married to another woman but she was not succeeded. "If it's mostly. He dearly loved his wife, Mary Ann Angell. Their average marriage duration was 11 years and living in the same house or compound. Bigger families imply more connections. At the very least, the term "second wife" has a very negative connotation. Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. And reassure her of your love. They found his second wife together a woman who was a regular on one of his taxi routes. She told, "I used to cry in isolation". Three themes emerged from the study based on findings. She said that she and her husband was working in the same organization. The average duration of polygamy was about 11 years so most of the co-wives had been accepted co-wives and engaged themselves in several activities and got comfort considering it fate role, religious permission, and compromise for the sake of their children's future rather than divorce. Therefore, in line with the objectives of this study, qualitative interviews were a superlative choice for inductive approaches aimed at generating concepts and hypotheses that have far more potential for research than any other model. I defended my mother and my dad just watched everything unfold. After three years of this, Eva decided to file for divorce but her husband, Evelyn says, is still trying to milk her for all her money. Then there is the hardship of making a living by yourself as a single person. It could have been the man's problem too. An in-depth interview technique was used with probing questions to get the perception from polygamous women about their life experiences, reasons behind polygamous marriage, and what strategies were used by co-wives to deal with such relationships. But after few months it was disclosed. These findings have implications for policymakers and family advisors. Second marriages are like that. The purpose of this study is to investigate married womens experiences in polygamous marriages and their ways of coping to accept this relationship. Your wedding is your wedding and you can do whatever you want. My wife and I were happy there was absolutely nothing wrong with our marriage. In all the other cases of infertility, family pressure was the main factor despite childlessness (Table 1). Some second wives may have unknowingly become #2 and had thought they were in monogamy, until the husband plucks up the courage to reveal they have . He might marry a second wife before his divorce is complete, for example. 2020; 39(2): 750-760. During my final two years in my first marriage, I was constantly telling my friends how I wanted to make my relationship work. Being a second wife and a stepmother is rather like learning to perfect a set of aerial maneuvers. Holloway ID, Ansari D. Mapping numerical magnitudes onto symbols: The numerical distance effect and individual differences in childrens mathematics achievement. For Aneesa Azeez, a 23-year-old Muslim convert and college graduate, her husband's . But surprisingly enough, she understood and agreed to it. 2002; 32(1-2): 58-66. Miss Nadia was the second wife of Mr. Imam. Its not like I wasnt married before, too. And what if one of the wives has a problem with the way her husband is treating her? One of the misconceptions about being someone's second wife is that you'll have no choice but to have a low-key courthouse wedding with minimal fanfare, and that the ghosts of weddings past will linger. Method: Exploratory qualitative method was used. Divorce can be an expensive proposition. What are the disadvantages of being a second wife? But Professor Maphalala says although each family has its own way of doing things, its usually the husband who decides how the children should be disciplined. Mrs. Kamal reported "in the beginning when I thought about the second wife, I engaged myself in different activities because it always hurt me." It is a very common experience that discriminative behaviour of the husbands and unequal treatment with their wives causes several mental health issues in polygamous families. She told, It was very shocking and tragic for me to have another female in my husband's life". But then came Thamsanqas shattering statement. But that's not the case in Canada, says Imam Hamid Slimi of the Sayeda Khadija . 2005; 44(1): 81-98. But that doesnt mean that they arent a little wounded. One wife raises her fertility in response to an increase by the other wife because to them children are the best claim to resources controlled by the husband [22,23]. These are jealousy, poor marital satisfaction, unhealthy competition, lack of trust, and many other mental health problems [12]. She stated, I allowed a co-wife in my marriage because I was not able to have more children after my second child. And there remains a slight sense of imbalance. A false rumour that men in Eritrea would be legally obliged to marry at least two women went viral this week. Even if children are more or less accepting, the ex more than likely wont be ok with the new person in their childs life. The majority of Muslims have accepted official polygamy. Journal of Family Studies. Instituting change for women in a male-dominated society is a daunting task; however, it is essential. Because her first husband always cursed him by saying a childless woman. This can lead to a much-known phenomenon known as the second wife syndrome. Here are some signs that you have allowed the second wife syndrome to fester in your home: Being a second wife to a married man can be overwhelming, and if you are not cautious enough, you might find yourself stuck in a loop of insecurities. A few years ago, her mother was killed in a car accident. That kind of baggage can be detrimental to a second marriage and undermine any benefits of being the second wife. I would also like to add that polygamy is not a staple in Islamic culture, nor is it a tradition. Practicing polygamy as a legal permanent resident can lead to deportation, as can a criminal conviction for bigamy. Marriage Counseling vs. Third theme: The coping strategies used by polygamous women have included faith in religion, fate role, and compromise with the co-wives. They often include not-so-subtle warnings about what's to come, designed to keep you strong and united in the face of conflict, change, hardship, kids. Participant Mrs. Abdullah stated that in her pain after her 1st husband's death and later divorce from her previous husband due to barrenness when she met her third husband who dealt her effectively with her emotional pain. Gina Barreca, Ph.D., a board of trustees distinguished professor at UConn, is the author of 10 books, including the bestselling They Used to Call Me Snow White, But I Drifted. Here are some people revealing the truth of what polygamous relationships are really like. However, it is possible that a person is confronted with circumstances whereby he is unable to uphold his righteousness and purity, whilst maintaining relations with a sole lady, who happens to undergo periods of menstruation, pregnancy, delivery, suckling, and other forms of ailments, etc. Table 1: Frequency of co-wives for infertility, only female children, love marriage and family pressure as reasons of polygamous marriages (n=11). But the . He's not a wealthy man, he has another family and I accepted that.'. I never expected to be a second wife. Many people think bigamy and polygamy mean the same thing . Many young women might regard being a second wife better than remaining single. It was an arranged marriage. Mrs. Abdullah also told though they have minor disputes among co-wives still they help each other. They must be educated through different seminars and programs to cope with the stress and manage other consequences of polygamy. He enters willingly, eyes open, arms spread--he's the emotional version of a skydiver. It found that while 70 per cent agreed that Muslim men have a right to polygamous marriages so long as they can treat all wives fairly, only 30 per cent would allow their own husband to marry . It's a common misconception that polygamy means one man married to multiple wives. Emerging broken, bruised and bleeding from a previous fall when the parachute didnt quite open, he is nevertheless willing to do it again and at an even greater risk-- everyone knows second marriages are risky. Here are 9 challenges of being a second wife to watch out for: Oh, this is your second wife. There is just something you feel from people when they realize you are the second wife; like you are the consolation prize, only second place. She got a marriage proposal from a married man to be his second wife as his first wife had a medical condition due to which he had not been able to sleep with her for last 11 years. Changes to the law have meant that women in customary marriages now have more protection than before. Ja, I like these young ones, Lillian interrupts and they all laugh. A Muslim convert says that being a second wife provides her. I would never accept polygamy unless my husband decides to divorce me to marry a second wife. Love and (Polygamous) Marriage? She said "After it, my husband was not trustworthy for me anymore. Growing up my mother was abused by my father, Thembi says as she wipes away a tear. International Journal of Law, Policy and the Family. youre over there thinking, The ex has the kids for Christmas Bummer. So why is the phrase second wife so unnerving? https://www.mckinleyirvin.com/family-law-blog/2012/october/32-shocking-divorce-statistics/, https://www.gottman.com/blog/10-rules-successful-second-marriage/, Living with a Spouse Who Has Aspergers Syndrome: the Cloud of Secrecy. In the long run, it is usually the second wife who is accepting of polygamy. Lillian takes care of the children and is responsible for the admin of the taxi business, and Thembi still works as a nurse. Gabe and I won't have that. She said, "I used to take care of my child and co-wife's as well". A qualitative methodology was adopted to explore the experiences of polygamous women. So second marriages tend to have less of the giddiness and more of the serious daily life attached. Christmas and having the whole family there together. The study was an attempt to gain perspective about the causes of polygamy, its consequences, and the most important womens ways of coping strategies in polygamous marriages. International Journal of Mental Health.